I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
