Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
