I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
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of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
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He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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