I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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