I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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