I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Houston, we have a blender
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
