I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i will never coherently bang her
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
