I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
