The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
