theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
