you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
