I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I CAN MOONWALK!
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
