Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I love you. Go after that dick
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
