I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
