HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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