Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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