Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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