maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
