by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
