Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
