What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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