I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
