dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
