Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
