I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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