No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
