Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
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I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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