Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
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Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
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I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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