hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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