The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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