Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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