when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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