Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
