Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
