i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
