Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
