We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
porn star boner night. come get it.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
