You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
