I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
