I could make wine with my vomit
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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