I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
