He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
