I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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