I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
