Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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