I think i peed on brittanys purse
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
