so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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