Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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