For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
