I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
