He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
