I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
