It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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