That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
