as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
