did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
