last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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