I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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